Clemens. (English Version)

I don’t remember how old I was, when I first met Clemens. I believe he was there the whole time, present in my life. My first adventures that I remember experiencing with him are stories, that I wrote when I was 9 years old. Back in those days I loved to play with numbers and so I made up stories about One-Eye, Two-Eyes, Three-Eyes, their siblings and many adventures. That these creatures where already known to the brothers Grimm, I did not know at this time and it also would not have been important to me. They were my creations, my stories, and it was Clemens with whom I made them up. In my teenage years countless other projects followed, he instigated me to create: short stories, plays, songs and compositions. Clemens motivated me to become part of a theatre group, a band and a musical production – just to try out new things.

Then suddenly, I had just turned 18 and finished my a-levels, Clemens left me and my life. When I tried to write new songs, I just got empty snatches of melodies with flat phrases and platitudes – nothing really beautiful, nor worth sharing. I was frustrated and felt alone. My relationship to Clemens was full of tension. In that time I was busy trying to build up a career, daring to take my first unsure steps into the working world. Clemens, the great musician, poet, and adventurer stayed silent. Often, I had a longing for a new encounter with him and after a while I started asking if he ever would come back. Today in looking back I know that he has been with me the whole time – just in another shape. He is the part of me that always comes up with new ideas, my creative power, my inspiration that is not always available, my counterpart with whom I have had a love/hate relationship for a long time or just Clemens.

It took me two years, felt like an eternity, until Clemens showed up again – in a way that I did not expect. Out of my experience of music and arts lessons in school, I knew Clemens to be a musician, but never in my life would I have imagined him to be a painter. But Clemens had a surprise for me. I got colours and some canvas in my hand and started – intuitively experimental and super cheesy. I used to work with a lot of cliché and was proud with my productions. I did not know better. The most important thing for me: Clemens was still there. And with time he started to be more open to new experiments and I am glad that he learned a lot since then. After a couple years surrounded by canvas and acrylic colours, Clemens choose again to put them aside and to come back to paper, pen and words. He did not want to make a commitment just for one medium. Clemens preferred to play on different meadows, always where he finds something interesting to discover or to try out.

One year after Clemens came back, somebody else moved in with me. Somebody that has been there probably for a longer time, but I had never recognized. Somebody that first appeared in a diffuse form, without revealing his true nature. Somebody that left me in the dark. Just a couple of years later I discovered his true name: It was Adrian, the awkward little brother of Clemens and his shadow. Obsessed with security he showed up in an exuberant way in all possible and impossible sorts of dangerous situations. Since his appearance they both interact with each other like brothers often do: They fight for my attention. Sometimes - in the beautiful moments – Clemens wins. But, unfortunately sometimes also Adrian wins. And sometimes I manage to satisfy both of them.

When somebody asked me, which kind of artist I am I stumbled to answer. Because Clemens has so many Interests and Adrian is criticizing him, I often responded that I am doing a little bit of everything but nothing really perfectly. At some point I understood that I am devaluating Clemens with that every time. So, for me it was a breakthrough when Clemens revealed to me, that he is not just at home playing in one meadow but that he calls many his own. And he is completely okay with that. Since then I can answer the question more comfortably and I introduce myself more confidently as an artist working in different media. I am thankful that Clemens is also in other areas of my life questioning Adrian and his world view and arguments. So, he is broadening my horizon with a lot of valuable facets.

Because I learned to honour Clemens over the last years I wanted to get to know and learn more about him. I started to study everything I could find about him and his relatives. I discovered he is a direct offspring of the big Creator, rooted deep within me. And when I fear again, that Clemens could vanish forever from my life, I am still peaceful, because I know: Even though he might seem to be silent or hard to understand for a time, I am sure he will never disappear completely. Clemens is at my side. He was always and will always be. The important question is just, on which meadow is he playing at this moment…

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